Iced tea and one free trip to the salad bar. ONE TRIP.
God speed, spaceman.
Archive for the 'Pontifications' Category
If you’re anything like me—dashing, virile, modest—you’ve got a flexing, clot-ridden hole in your heart that only advertising can fill. Television commercials especially. In fact, I anticipate commercials more than the shows themselves; “quality television” is merely the harbinger of well-scripted, high-budget advertising that breaks up its monotony of characters, plot, and conspicuous absence of compensated endorsers.
Last night, while watching the Most Intelligent and Dynamic Television Show Ever Concieved (American Idol), I was rudely shaken from my commercial-induced trance by a— Oh, what are those things? Ah, yes: a thought. The commercial I was watching, one of those ubiquitous stop-smoking campaigns, was brought to me by Philip Morris. Wait, Philip Morris? One of the largest tobacco firms in the world wanted to help people stop smoking?
Okay, so it’s not news. Big Tobacco has been advertising stop-smoking aids for years. We’ve all seen the commercials, and we all know they’re part of a transparent face-saving PR maneuver. Hell, they even admit it. Here’s an excerpt from the Philip Morris QuitAssist website:
QuitAssist is a voluntary effort by Philip Morris USA. We realize that to some it may seem contradictory for a cigarette manufacturer to help smokers who have decided to quit succeed. But, smoking causes serious diseases and is addictive. It can be difficult to quit smoking and many smokers who try to quit do not succeed. We hope that this QuitAssist resource will help smokers who have decided to quit be successful. (Emphasis added.)
But I think there’s something deeper—a brilliant marketing scheme swirling just beneath the surface. Bear with me:
- The lies and conspiracies perpetrated by the tobacco companies for generations have long been exposed. Smoking is no longer sexy. Americans are quitting at alarming rates.
- Big Tobacco has been hammered by lawsuits, punitive damage settlements, and legislation. They are rapidly losing political and legal clout.
- Customer loyalty is down. A generation ago, a smoker was a customer for life. Today, many smokers are quitting in their 20s, 30s, or 40s.
How are they gonna survive? Let’s take a look at that quote again:
We realize that to some it may seem contradictory for a cigarette manufacturer to help smokers who have decided to quit succeed. But, smoking causes serious diseases and is addictive.
Notice anything missing? Philip Morris acknowledges “contradictory” logic, but they make no attempt to explain themselves. They don’t explain why they’re offering to help their customers stop using their product.
Here’s why: tobacco companies have drastically altered their business model. Once upon a time, they wanted customers for life, but that’s no longer feasible. They realize that more and more of their customers will smoke for a few years—maybe a decade or two—before quitting. They’ve stopped grasping at the straws of the increasingly rare lifelong customer. Instead, they’re focusing on a different demographic: the young people who know that smoking is bad—but they’re young, so fuck it! They’ll just quit after a few years. It’s easy! And they know it’s easy because Philip Morris will help ‘em do it.
Brilliant, isn’t it? Instead of fighting popular sentiment, they’ve embraced it. Smoking is now one of those things you do when you’re young, like skateboarding and handjobs. And when it’s time to hang up the kneepads and graduate to oral, they won’t mind saying goodbye. They still got your money—even if it was only for a few years. Something’s better than nothing, right?
